So, I missed my usual Saturday post. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Seriously, I'm pretty bummed that I missed it. I think I might enjoy the Saturday posts more than you do, my dear readers.
Sometimes, I get annoyed by my own nature. Until I'm comfortable, I'll keep quite, and I'm always feeling out people, even years after I get to know them, trying to find the lines that cannot be crossed so that I can avoid them. At the same time, I refuse to lie, although one could argue that a omitting information is lying, when I omit information, it's usually because it's not mine to tell, or I'm just not comfortable with it.
We also have my need to remain polite, even when I'm telling someone off. I don't generally like people who push my buttons, though sometimes my anger, strangely, chooses to manifest as laughter. I know why. On one level I'm darkly amused at how rude, thoughtless, and idiotic people can be. Laughing in people's faces is generally an inappropriate course of action.
And then there's the worst part. Sometimes I just don't want to talk. I'm not upset, I'm not angry or anything. I just don't want to interact with....well, pretty much everyone. There's a few exceptions, but very few.
I feel kind of bad, because sometimes I'll take hours to return calls, emails, or texts just because I don't want to break my little bubble of isolation. I just need to retreat into my head for a while. Maybe read a book, maybe watch a movie, maybe have a drink, and just.....untangle myself. Untangle the knots I tie myself into trying to dance around the lines people draw without breaking my (admittedly flawed) moral code. Untangle my thoughts, and the different facets of my personality.
On one hand, I'm abrasive, sarcastic, a little rough around the edges. On the other, I'm reserved, polite, and awkward.....like a hand-cranked Victrola in a world full of iPods. Analogue in a digital age.
Hence, why I will probably die, old and alone, surround by cats.
Just kidding! Although I'm certainly not ruling "crazy cat lady" out of the possibilities for my future, I'd like to think I have a little more faith than to declare myself a spinster at the tender age of 22.
The problem is that there just isn't a polite way to say "I'm having a moment, please do not disturb unless it's an emergency." Sure, a lot of my friends understand. Many of them have similar personality quirks where they just need time. In fact, most people do. Maybe I just haven't figured out how to verbalize my issues yet.
Thanks for reading this.
Yours always,
Tara
P.s. The shop should be opening next week, when I get paid. There's a few...safety nets, so to speak, that I'd like in place first. But Padrigin's Corner will be opening on either the 20th or the 21st.
